Why I Can't Wait to Get to a Sparsely Populated Island

I met the most incompetent person today.

It all started when I decided it was a good idea to photocopy and fax a copy of my new insurance card to my doctor. Feeling optimistic about my errand, I took the boyfriend in hand and headed out to the office supply store around the corner.

The employee who showed up to assist me was friendly enough. He wore glasses, had a couple writing implements in his shirt pocket, and seemed generally geeky--usually a good sign for an office supply guy. Looks can be deceiving.

After handing over my insurance card to be photocopied, the guy started pushing buttons. After at least 5 minutes of watching him stare at the screen tapping on button after button, I began to suspect he had secretly logged onto the Internet through the fax machine and was checking his e-mail, surfing YouTube, or reading up on who won American Idol. Somewhat entertained at the thought, I chose not to protest, and continued waiting.

A minute or two later, another customer showed up and asked how much faxing cost. Incompetent employee took a break from the photocopier, fetched a price list, flipped through it, muttered something about not having the right list, then returned to pressing buttons. The customer and I exchanged small shrugs, then flipped through the price book together, where we quickly found faxing costs. After seeing the price, the customer let out an outraged sigh and said he was going to Kinkos. Smart man.

Finally, the employee retrieved a piece of paper from the copier and brought it to me for my approval. I tried hard not to laugh when I noticed he had copied one side of my insurance card to one side of the paper, and the other side of the card to the other side of the paper. For anyone out there who has ever faxed anything, this isn't likely to work very well.

I gently told him I needed the copies on one side. He said okay, then mysteriously UNPLUGGED the copy machine he had been working with, moved over to the next machine, and started pushing buttons all over again. I was less amused this time. After much toe-tapping and finger-twiddling, he brought me an acceptable photocopy. I asked that he shred the many failed copies since they contained personal information. He said sure, and stuck them in the shredder, where nothing happened. He looked confused, pulled them out, and started shredding by hand. I didn't have the guts to ask him if he had turned the shredder on.

At this point, the adventure was still far from over. I thought asking for a fax cover sheet would be relatively painless for him, since it required no button pushing or aesthetic determinations whatsoever. So I asked. And the next thing I know, he's on the walkie-talkie, asking if anyone knows where the fax cover sheets are and HOW TO USE THEM. When the walkie-talkie squawked back the location of the fax sheet, he asked, "It says 'Fax Sheet' at the top, is that okay?" I interrupted, assuring him that was okay. Hurriedly, I filled the sheet out and handed it back, along with my photocopy. As the guy edged toward the fax machine, I sensed trouble and headed over to supervise.

Sure enough, he proceeded to put the two sheets of paper in BACKWARDS, then return to the walkie-talkie to ask how to work the fax machine. I stepped behind the desk, grabbed the pages, flipped them around, and pressed send. Wow, it worked! Who knew.

Having taken control of the situation, I felt generous enough to console him with, "It's just one of those days, huh," which appeared to make him feel better. But my Benevolent Self was quickly sent packing by my You've Got to be Kidding Self. Despite having made it through the copying and faxing, AKA the hard part, the employee proceeded to charge me for international faxing ($0.50 extra, but I didn't have it in me to complain) AND tear up my fax confirmation sheet. I pointed this out to him, he chuckled nervously, and fetched the tape.

The next time you feel like buying me a present, please, please, please send a nicely giftwrapped home office dual photocopier/fax machine. Thanks in advance.